WHAT CAN CAUSE CHRONIC BOUNDARY CROSSING

Dec 6, 2018 | Life Lessons

I learned a valuable, though somewhat difficult lesson, recently.  I am going to share it here because had someone shared it with me, I could have saved myself a lot of angst and self-doubt.

I had houseguests who were staying with me while doing a couple of college tours in the area.  I love them dearly and looked forward to their visit.  Let’s call them Joan and her daughter Ann.  They seemed to drink coffee and tea and snack all day long, which was fine.  I just asked that they toss their mugs, cups, and dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them around the house.  Didn’t happen unless I reminded them.  Now that I think of it, l don’t know why they had to get clean dishes instead of just refilling the ones they were using each time, but that wasn’t a problem.  I even came home from an appointment of my own one-day (they left the house after me) and had to gather and wash their dishes.

My townhouse had white carpeting when I purchased it.  I never would have purchased white carpeting, but it was gorgeous, even though it was a nightmare to keep clean, so I kept an assortment of house slippers by the front door and asked everyone to use them or go around in their stocking feet. When I noticed my guests weren’t complying, I suggested they leave their own slippers by the front door if they didn’t want to use the ones I supplied.  That didn’t work either.

These are just a few examples of their boundary crossing.  I eventually gave up because I was feeling like a nagging mother. After they left, I spent a lot of time agonizing over why my requests had been so blatantly ignored, not heard, or disregarded, leaving me feeling invisible and disrespected in my own home.  I’d had plenty of friends come and stay.  In fact, one friend nicknamed my home Chez Lorraine’s, because I like to fuss and “make nice” for guests.  But “maybe I was too finicky about the dishes and the carpet,” I thought.  No one else seemed to mind… people always returned when I invited them back.  Some even requested weekend getaways and they all honored my requests.  It was less about the dishes and the carpet (they are just things) and more about what it was about me that said, “Ignore and disrespect me and my wishes, PLEASE!

A Helpful Coaching Tool

I finally decided to use a coaching technique I use with my clients and asked, “Lorraine, what if this isn’t about you?”  I suddenly remembered the many times Joan ignored pretty much everything anyone ever told her about anything.  Doing so actually had me laughing about various memories of her blithely going her merry way regardless of pretty much everything.  So, it wasn’t about me after all.  Nor was it intentional or even conscious.  Joan just doesn’t listen and is raising her daughter to do the same.  “Good luck with that,” I thought.

The lesson I learned is that people who don’t listen are automatic boundary crossers.  They don’t hear, respect, or honor your boundaries about anything no matter what they are, how many times, ways, or how clearly you explain them or the reasons you give for them because… they just don’t listen.

The next time I am in the company of anyone who doesn’t listen, I will know they are most likely going to cross a boundary or two. I will be better prepared and much less inclined to think there is something wrong with me.

Listening and The Ability To Respect Boundaries Go Hand In Hand

Do you need help with chronic boundary crossers in your life?  It can be especially trying when they are family members. Schedule your FREE EXPLORATORY SESSION here.  I promise, there will be no hard sell.  I have no personal attachment to the outcome of our conversation beyond your feeling better for our having had it. For more information about living authentically, click here and get your FREE copy of my “GUIDE TO AUTHENTIC LIVING: Ten Things People Who Live Authentically Know And Do…And So Can You.”

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Lorraine emphasizes self-discovery, enhancing authenticity, and personal foundation work in her coaching for individuals, groups and small businesses.

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